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• The Intelligent Car Radio

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

  Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

  She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock ’n’ roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

  A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

  ...The radio cut over to George Bush’s press conference.

• Democrats vs Republicans

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

  2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

  3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

  4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

  5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

  6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

  7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

  8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don’t.

  9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

  10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

  11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

  12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

  13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.

  14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

  15. Republicans sleep in twin beds—some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

• What A Job

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

  29 have been accused of spouse abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses 3 have been arrested for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shop-lifting 21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone 84 were stopped for drunk driving

  Can you guess which organization this is?

  Give up?

  It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

• The Bill

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

  "What is it?" exclaims the President.

  "It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

  "Just go ahead and pay it."