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• A Job Interview

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

  The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

  "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I’d dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I’d use the manual lever over there."

  "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," garyy continues, "I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

  "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

  "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh well then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill."

  This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he’s never seen a train crash."

• Tips for Success

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.

  People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

  2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

  These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss—and you will get caught—your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

  You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

  3. Keep a messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

  To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

  4. Use voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing— they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

  If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.

  The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

  Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"—a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

• The Manager’s Problem

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

  Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

  Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

  Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off."

  Jill said, "Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus."

• Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

  3 March 2008, by Editor

  Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

  AVERAGE: Not too bright.

  EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

  ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

  ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

  CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

  UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

  QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

  TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

  TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

  INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

  STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

  TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

  APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

  A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

  NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

  EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

  SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

  CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

  METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

  DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

  JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

  MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

  KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

  STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

  GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

  SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

  OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

  IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

  ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

  REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

  HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

  ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

  HAPPY: Paid too much.

  WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

  COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

  CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

  WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

  SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

  USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

  VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

  USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

  DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.