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• Lateral Thinking

  9 June 2008, by Editor

  Alex Ferguson is getting worried about his team’s recent poor form against Arsenal. He just can’t understand it, Manchester United are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players, but every time they play the Gunners, they get beaten.

  So Alex gives Arsene Wenger a call and explains his problem. Arsene is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Arsenal players. At the end of the training session he says to Arsene.

  "I still don’t understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time".

  "Ah" says Mr Wenger, "I don’t think it’s anything to do with the training. I think it’s because my players are more intelligent than yours".

  Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Arsene, "What the hell do you mean by that?".

  "Well" says Arsene, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".

  To demonstrate his point he calls over Dennis Bergkamp.

  "Dennis, here’s a problem for you. He’s you father’s son, but he’s not your brother; who is he?".

  "That’s easy" says Bergkamp, it’s me."

  "Correct" says Arsene.

  Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over David Beckham.

  "David, I’ve been talking to Arsene Wenger and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".

  "That’s rubbish, Boss", is Beckham’s considered reply.

  "OK", says Alex, "I’ve got a question for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?"

  Beckham looks blank and replies, "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"

  Alex agrees and Beckham goes home thinking about the problem. He asks Posh Spice, but she hasn’t a clue what he’s talking about. He eventually decides to give Jaap Stam a call, thinking that as Arsenal have a lot of foreign players, maybe he will understand.

  "Hello Jaap, it’s David. I’ve got a question for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?".

  "That’s easy", says Jaap, "It’s me".

  So Beckham calls over Alex Fergurson the next day in training and says, "Morning Boss, I’ve got the answer to that question"

  "OK. What is it?" asks Alex.

  "It’s Jaap Stam" replies the confident Beckham.

  "You stupid idiot!" shouts Alex, "It’s not Jaap Stam... it’s Dennis Bergkamp!"

• Worry

  9 June 2008, by Editor

  A woman goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, doctor, I’m very worried about my son," she said. "All he does is play football all day; then he comes in covered in mud and walks all over my clean carpet."

  "I rather think you may be over-reacting," said the doctor reassuringly. "Sons often behave like that."

  "I know, doctor," said the woman, "but it’s not just me that’s worried about him. His wife is too."

• Goalkeeper’s Habit

  9 June 2008, by Editor

  Carlo Cudicini was walking down the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth story window with a woman leaning out holding a baby.

  "Help, help!" she screamed, "I need someone to catch my baby!"

  A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but no one was confident of catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then Cudicini stepped forward.

  "I’m the Chelsea goalkeeper,” he shouted to the woman. "I’m famous for my safe hands. Drop the baby, for me it will be like catching a ball"

  And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

  "OK!" screams the woman. "I’ll trust you. I’ve no choice! Here she comes!"

  So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby’s shawl catches on the woman’s watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.

  The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. Cudicini remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground Cudicini dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm.

  The crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. Cudicini, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

• Southampton FC

  9 June 2008, by Editor

  A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don’t you want to live with your dad?"

  "Because he beats me" said the little boy.

  "Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge. Because she beats me as well.

  "Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"

  The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don’t beat anyone!!"