11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.
Minister for drinks A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
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