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True Newspaper Clippings
  • 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

  • AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

  • SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

  • FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

  • 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

  • TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

  • COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

  • 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

  • STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

  • FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

  • FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

  • SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

  • GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

  • FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

  • FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

  • FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

  • NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

  • BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

  • SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

  • FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

  • HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

  • GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

  • HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

  • GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

  • NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

  • FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

  • AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

  • TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

  • NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

  • EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

  • OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

  • JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

  • LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

  • ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

  • GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

  • GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

  • BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

  • OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

  • KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

  • FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.



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Jokes
Statue Fantasy
An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''

Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.

The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''

With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''

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