1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas. 7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.) 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral". 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious literature to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Employee of the Month These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'' (2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.' (3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.'' (4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.'' (5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'' (6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'' (7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'' (8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'' (9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'' (10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'' (11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.'' (12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'' (13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'' (14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.'' (15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.'' (16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'' (17) ''He's been working with glue too much.'' (18) ''He would argue with a signpost.'' (19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'' (20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'' (21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'' (22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.'' (23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'' (24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.'' (25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'' (26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'' (27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'' (28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'' (29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'' (30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.'' (31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.'' (32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.'' (33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.'' (34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.'' (35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
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